Grief Bursts and Pop-Up Memories

What Are the Differences?

What many people don’t realize is that not all unexpected grief moments are the same. Two of the most common experiences are grief bursts and pop-up memories. While they may seem similar on the surface, they often feel very different inside. Understanding the difference between the two doesn’t make grief disappear---but it can help us meet with more compassion when these moments arrive, especially when they show up without any warning. 

Grief Bursts: When the Wave Hits

You can be going about your day—folding laundry, standing in line at the grocery store, stirring a pot on the stove—when suddenly your breath catches. A wave of sadness rushes in, or a memory quietly rises to the surface. These moments can feel confusing and unsettling, especially when they arrive long after we think we should be feeling “better.” 

One of my first “grief bursts” was at the grocery store, unexpected, frightening, and overwhelming. The only thing I could do was leave a cart full of groceries and rush out the door, hoping that no one would witness what was happening. By the time I reached the car, the anxiety had quieted and the waves of sadness had passed.

Grief bursts tend to ask us to pause. They may be our body and heart telling us that something needs attention: 

• Need to rest more

• Acknowledge what you are feeling without judging, you are grieving

• Practice deep breathing, or take daily walks

• Allow emotional release by crying or journaling. 

Grief bursts are not a sign of failure or regression. They are a part of how grief moves through us---often surfacing when we are feeling tired, overwhelmed, or experiencing deeper layers of our loss.

Pop-Up Memories: When Love Gently Taps In

Pop-up memories are different. They often arrive through the senses—a smell, a song, a familiar recipe, a phrase we once shared. These memories may carry sadness, but they can also bring warmth, tenderness, or even a brief smile.

Unlike grief bursts, pop-up memories usually don’t overwhelm us. They tend to pass more gently, leaving behind a sense of connection rather than collapse. They are reminders of shared life, shared love, and shared moments that still live within us, and they also can show up when you least expect them. The difference is, pop-up memories will always connect with a life story, brief, often memories that are tender and warm. 

Pop-up memories don’t necessarily ask us to stop what we’re doing. Instead, they ask us to acknowledge—to notice, to remember, to let love brush past our hearts.

Embrace Your Pop-Memories

There will always be a place in your heart and your life for memories of your loved one. When pop-up memories happen after all these years of David and my mom it’s still comforting and brings me moments of joy. The pop-up memory of David roasting a pig for a family barbecue on a hot summer’s day, and my mom making our sons favorite meal, even though cooking was never her favorite thing to do, but did this often just because she loved them. These are reminders of shared life, shared love, and shared moments that still live within us. Embrace them.

Both Can Exist Within Healing

One of the hardest parts of grief is believing that moments like these mean we aren’t healing. But healing doesn’t mean fewer memories or fewer waves—it means learning how to recognize what kind of moment we’re in, and what we need when it arrives.

Grief bursts may call for care, grounding, or rest. Pop-up memories may call for acknowledgment and space to remember.

Both are normal. Both are human. And both can coexist with growth, resilience, and moving forward.

Meeting These Moments with Compassion

The next time an unexpected grief moment appears, you might try gently naming it:

• “This feels like a grief burst. I need to pause.”

• “This feels like a memory. I can let it be here.”

Place a hand on your heart. Take one slow breath. Offer yourself one kind sentence.

Neither experience is wrong. Both are reminders that love still lives here.

Take good care