Remembering How They Lived: A Father’s Day Refection

     Father’s Day can be a complicated day when someone we love is no longer here. For many, it is a day filled with memories, gratitude, and love. Yet, it can also bring sadness, longing, and grief. The two often walk hand in hand.

       This Father’s Day, I find myself thinking about two men who were important in my life and in the lives of those I love---my father Mike and my husband, David, the father of our two sons. Both men left their mark in different ways. My father had a big boisterous presence, was hard working, loved his four children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, and taught me lessons that continue to guide me today. David had a quiet, steady and calming presence, a friend to many, and helped to shape the lives of our sons through his unconditional love, his dry and very funny sense of humor, his kindness and his strength. Though neither is physically here, the impact they made remains.

          When someone we love dies, there can be a fear that time will somehow erase them. Yet Father’s Day reminds us that the people we love continue to live on in the stories we tell, the traditions we keep, and the values they passed down to us.

           Perhaps one of the most meaningful ways we can honor them is not simply by remembering how they died, but how they lived.

• Share a Memory: Share a favorite story and talk about the things you remember and that make you smile. David had a ton of funny sayings that always made people laugh, and both Marc and Matthew continue saying them to this day. When that happens, it’s like David is right there in the room.

• Revisit His Favorites: Prepare his favorite meal, listen to his favorite music

• What made them Laugh?

• What traditions did they create?

• What lessons did they teach?

• Write a note: Take some time to write him a letter to express what you loved and admired about him and thank him for the ways he shaped your life. This is such good way to help you heal, no matter how long it has been.

          There is no right or wrong way to remember. You may gather with family. You may prefer a quiet day alone. You may laugh at old memories, shed a few tears, or experience both within the same hour. All of it is normal. 

            Grief has a way of showing up on special days. If Father’s Day feels difficult, give yourself permission to spend the day however it feels right for you. There is no expectation that you must celebrate in a particular way or hide your sadness from others.

                Love does not disappear when someone dies. It simply changes form. They are gone but not forgotten. Their love, their lessons and their lives continue to grow in us every day. As we remember the fathers who are no longer with us, may we find comfort in the lives they lived, the love they shared, and the countless ways they continue to influence our lives today.

                 This Father’s Day, may their memories bring more smiles than tears, and may we carry their spirit forward in the way we live, love, and care for those around us.

Take good care

For years, I have carried one of David’s old work boots with me everywhere I have lived. Today it holds flowers instead of long workdays and worn laces. It reminds me that love doesn’t disappear. It changes. It grows. And sometimes it blooms in the most unexpected places.