Joyfulness----Full of Hope for the Future

            Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear.

                   If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

                                                              ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

There is an element of healing that’s a choice. You can’t go back. You don’t get a do-over. This happened to you. So now what? Do you choose to live in pain and grief, or do you choose to heal? We make the choice, every day, every hour, sometimes every minute. As unbelievable as it seems at first, healing and joy are possible. Your future may be very different from the one you had planned, but it can still be a good one, holding promise, happiness, and hope, Choose life.

Looking Forward

    It takes time for most of us to accept the finality of the death of a friend or loved one and to be able to move on. It is also quite common to have feelings of guilt when we start making new plans, and sometimes we must give ourselves permission to enjoy life again, to have joy again. This is not always easy, but if we can be secure in the knowledge that this is what our loved one would have wanted for us, it can make this process of moving forward more acceptable.

    The time and energy that we spend on grieving slowly declines, and it will gradually be possible to enjoy life again, laugh with people without feeling guilty, and feel genuine happiness so that we can start to make positive plans for the future. Realizing and accepting that your life will never be the same but that the rest of your life does not have to be miserable is a good sign of readiness to slowly move forward.

     Of course, there will be relapses along the way, it isn’t easy. Some will be easier to accept, while others will open up strong emotions that are very close to the surface, possibly leaving you in a big puddle of tears. Here are some of the relapses I’ve had along this journey.

• The marriage of our second son

• The birth of the first grandchild and the next four who were to come: this was really hard; my heart ached for David to be there.

• The first wedding anniversary: after his death that we didn’t get to share.

• Deciding what to do with his clothes: It took two years to finally make that decision. No timetable for this either. I just didn’t want to give up that beautiful smell of him on his shirts. I kept one of his work shirts for a long time for that reason. 

• The selling of our business. There were so many deep emotions attached to this, the biggest being that we let go of an important piece of David’s legacy. It felt like we were losing him again.

• Selling the house that we had built together. Even though it was the right time, many years later, to do this, our home held so many beautiful memories. On the day of closing, I took my last walk around the property, passing through the beautiful flower gardens, the pond where the kids skated each winter, and remembering the many family gatherings that had taken place here. Everything that ever happened here came flooding back----lots of emotions but mostly a feeling of David’s presence, letting me know it was OK. Strangely, that gave me comfort.

• Mixed emotions when I turned fifty: I was reminded that David had turned fifty just before he passed. I felt somewhat blessed and a little guilty that four years later, I was here to celebrate that milestone. The realization that life is such a gift and should never be taken for granted made me think about this journey I was on. The gift I had was the gift of life, being present and being able to experience every moment fully.

        As I mentioned earlier, there is an element of healing that is a choice. If you can make that choice, you are choosing to heal. Every step you take, no matter how small, is a step toward healing and rebuilding your life, with hope for the future. The happiness you experienced with your loved one is yours forever. Hold on to those rich memories.

        Rebuilding your life doesn’t mean forgetting. You will never forget. A part of that person will always be with you. Remember, we forever carry the burning ember of those we loved within us. They are gone from our sight but will never be gone from our hearts.    

Take good care….

Excerpts taken from my book Recipes for Healing, Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time