What I Was Not Ready for Were the Secondary Losses!

Who’s Still Standing? Grief, Relationships, and the Person You Become

Grief changes everything, including the people around you. The many people who say they will be there for you seem to disappear into thin air. For me, realizing that some friendships I’d had forever, had changed was another difficult loss for me. It’s hard to know the reasons why some people feel the need to pull away from someone who is grieving, even when they love them deeply.

This is often referred to as one of the many Secondary Losses and often catches someone who is grieving completely off-guard. These losses can have an impact on the way we grieve and have an impact on our lives. Remember to lean in to the support system you do have because throughout your journey, you may need them to help you navigate the many secondary losses, some more difficult than others.

 Understanding that these other losses are a normal part of grief and identifying and acknowledging them can often be a first step in grieving them:

• Goals and dreams: Your dreams for the future may be shattered. Goals can seem unreachable without the person who has died

• Loss of self: Part of you has died. Who are you now?

• Identity: You have to rethink your role.

• Lifestyle: Life is very different now due to the death.

• Friendships and family relationships may quietly fracture after a loss.

• Financial security: You may be concerned about family finances.

• Self-confidence: You may feel a lessened sense of self-esteem.

• Lack of joy: You may feel that life’s most meaningful emotion, happiness, has been compromised by the death of someone you loved.

Here are some keyways to support the grieving person with Secondary Losses

• Acknowledge and Validate: Don’t assume they are only sad about the death itself. They may be experiencing a change in their financial status, losing friends, experiencing health issues and these too are legitimate losses.

• Offer Specific Practical Help: Instead of “let me know if you need anything,” offer concrete help with tasks affected by the loss such as, running errands, cleaning, cooking, or help managing finances. 

• Check In: Let the grieving person know you are there for them, even months later as secondary losses often arise over time.

• Listen Without Trying to “Fix”: Allow them to talk about their fears regarding the future and the lifestyle changes they may be facing. You don’t have to provide solutions, just listen.

• Encourage Specialized Support: Suggest grief counseling or support groups specific to their loss where others are facing similar challenges. This was life changing for me as I did both grief counseling and a Loss of Spouse support group. The help I received, the support I was given by others who completely understood was invaluable. I was able to ever so slowly to go forward in my life, finding meaning, purpose, and joy.

• Ask for help: This does not mean you are weak, but it is because you want to remain strong. Remember you cannot grieve alone…. this journey requires support from family, friends and sometimes professionals.

                        He who has not looked on Sorrow will never see Joy.

                                                 ~ Kahil Gibran