Grief Can Sometimes Make Us Feel Disconnected from the People We Love

Grief Can Sometimes Make Us Feel Disconnected from the People We Love

Creating Something Living and Growing that Reminds Us that Love Continues

        Last week after I posted my Father’s Day Video and blog, I received so many comments, first, about how nice it was to be reminded that we should remember how our loved one lived, rather than how they died, and second, what a great idea to plant something in an old work boot. The boot was the star of the show!

           So, this blog will be about creating your very own memory garden. Many people think a memory garden requires a large yard or a special space, but it really doesn’t. A memory garden can be simple as a flowerpot on your porch, a window box, an old watering can, a favorite teacup, a shell from the beach, or even an old work boot.

             The boot in this picture belonged to David, and after he died, each year I have planted flowers in it. Every time I see it, it makes me smile because it reminds me of how he lived, not how he died.

               And that’s what memory gardens are all about. They give us a place to remember the people we love while keeping those memories alive in a beautiful and meaningful way.

                Years ago, when I worked in hospice, we held a bereavement camp called Camp Stepping Stones for children and families who had experienced a loss. I led a Memory Garden workshop for the parents. We provided small pots, flowers, and herbs that all carried special meanings.

                 The purpose was to show people that you don’t need a large garden or a lot of money. You simply need a vessel that means something to you and a few plants that help tell your loved one’s story.

                   For example, this shell reminds me of my mom because she loved the ocean and I’ve planted Vincas in it because they symbolize love and remembrance. Other flowers that can tell a story are:

• Roses of all colors symbolize love

• Lavender represents devotion and grace

• Marigolds are often associated with grief and remembering those we’ve lost

• Blue Daze symbolizes everlasting love, pleasant memories

               I also have an herb garden because cooking has always been an important part of my life. When I step outside and gather herbs for a meal, I often think about the people who taught me to cook, the meals we shared and the memories we created around the table. Many herbs carry beautiful meanings as well:

• Rosemary symbolizes remembrance

• Basil represents love and peace

• Oregano symbolizes joy, love, and tranquility

                      There are so many others, and I have included a chapter in my book Recipes for Healing, Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time, that explores the various meanings of flowers and herbs and how they can be used to create personal memory gardens.

                       What I like most about memory gardens is that there are no rules. They don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to be large, and they don’t even have to be outdoors. They simply need to reflect on the person you’re remembering. One of the people in the workshop was so excited about the idea of doing this when she got home, because she was going to use her husbands fishing bucket, as one of her most favorite memories was of him doing what he loved, fishing. Other ideas for vessels are:

• A teacup

• A favorite coffee mug

• A basket

• A birdhouse 

• An old pair of work boots.

  Whatever tells their story!

                               Every time you water it, trim it, or simply stop to look at it, you’re spending a quiet moment with a memory. Grief can sometimes make us feel disconnected from the people we love, but creating something living and growing can remind us that love does continue. The plants may not last forever, and sometimes we must replace them. In a way, grief is like that too. We keep tending to our memories, nurturing them, and finding new ways to honor the people we love.

                                So, if you’ve been thinking about creating a memory garden, I encourage you to do so. Look around your home for a vessel that has meaning, choose a few plants that tell a story, and create a little corner of remembrance that belongs entirely to you. 

                                Until next time, be gentle with yourself and keep finding ways to honor the people you love. Happy planting! Take care, my friends.

Recipes for Healing, Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time (Just Not Lasagna!)

For more ideas and thoughts on Memory Gardens, finding comfort in memories, understanding that healing is not a betrayal, and learning to carry grief differently