Marrying Again? Is This Really Possible?Part Two

Love doesn’t die with death. Love is like liquid, when it pours out, it seeps into other’s lives. Love changes form and shape. Love gets into everything. Death doesn’t conquer all; love does. Love wins every single time. Love wins by lasting through death. Love wins by loving more, loving again, loving without fear.  ~Kate O’Neill

The Leap Into Dating Again

As we left in Part One, I was about to take that first step and felt like I was jumping off a cliff into the unknown and was totally out of my comfort zone! The whole process getting to this place I tell in detail in my book Recipes for Healing, how online dating wasn’t a thing then, but personal ads were. How my dear sweet, beautiful aunt and my two adorable nieces came up with my personal ad, and how over the next few weeks, receiving responses at times felt creepy, funny, ridiculous and by the time the ad had run its course downright depressing! I asked myself many times, what in the world was I doing?  Until the very last message…. I encourage you to read this chapter as I believe you will find it entertaining, humorous and hopefully since my book was written many years later, helpful information from the things I learned. Here are a few thoughts:

• Never meet on your first date at home. Always meet in a public place. Even now with online dating, I feel that when meeting someone new, it’s always better when there are others around.

• Better to meet for coffee or lunch. Dinner can imply more intimacy than you may not be ready for and create a lot of pressure.

• Have a friend give you a call after about a half hour, pretending there is an emergency, if you need an excuse to make a quick exit.

• The purpose of a first date is to decide whether you want a second one. Plan a first date that encourages conversation, which helps you to get to know each other. Don’t go to the movies on a first date.

• Be safe and smart and always have an exit strategy. It’s always a good idea to let someone you trust know where you are going and with whom. 

• Finally, I’ve realized that whether you are sixteen or sixty-five, the first date can be nerve-wracking and fill you with anxiety. Try to keep an open mind, focus on things you have in common, and have as your primary goal to simply have a good time.

Being a new beginner, new to dating, means you can take it slowly, and this is a good thing as there is no timeline for having to find a new or right person.

No matter how well prepared you are, every dating experience will be unique. Some will obviously be better than others. The whole point of dating is to meet new people, and to get to know them. In the process, you are likely to make some friends of both genders and have a lot of interesting experiences. Like I mentioned in Part One I just wanted to laugh again and was hopeful that would happen in my dating experience. It did….

The First Date

Of course, this synopsis of my first date for the sake of this blog must be the short version but I will tell you that the date lasted twelve hours. It was full of conversation, each of us telling each other’s stories, both finding out that this dating thing was the first for both of us and the most important, I found myself laughing a lot. We both were surprised at how comfortable we were and even more surprised that the time had passed so quickly.

So, What Happens Now?

The date went very well, we learned a lot about each other, and we made plans for another date. But this decision came with a lot more questions like:

• Did I want to start a long-distance relationship? He lived an hour and a half away.

• He was divorced, so our circumstances were very different. Could this become an issue?

• Did the little bit of guilty feeling that I’d had over this date mean I wasn’t ready?

Those questions and many more I did not have the answers for, so for the time being I would take one day at a time and pray to God that this was the path he meant to be on. It was the start of many phone calls and many long talks. It also meant many long drives to the North Shore for Rick. The long-distance relationship question had been answered.

After many months, we decided Rick would make the move to the North Shore. There is much more detail about that decision in the book, but any life-changing step deserves careful thought. Before moving forward, it helps to consider questions such as:

Before Making a Life-Changing Decision

• Be emotionally ready. It’s important to distinguish between loneliness and readiness for a new relationship. I thought about this a lot, and I felt I was ready.

• Consider the living arrangements---your space or his. If children are still home, they should be part of the decision making, unless of course they are too small.

• Look at each other’s finances. Will they be kept separate, or will they be pooled together?

• Consider your extended families. How will your late spouse’s family react to this?

• What about your social circle? Your friends have told you that they want you to be happy, yet when that time comes, some may not be on board. This can become a secondary loss.

Making Room for Your Own Truth

This is where your story matters most. Only you can decide what feels right, what feels premature, and what feels like a gentle opening rather than a forced step. You are allowed to:

• Change your mind

• Move slowly

• Say no

• Say yes

• Feel joy and guilt at the same time

A Gentle Closing Thought

Grief does not disappear when love enters---it simply learns to share space. Grief has a way of convincing us that love belongs only to the past, or that opening our hearts again somehow diminishes what once was. But loving again does not erase love that came before. Love is not a finite resource. Our hearts expand. They do not replace.

Wanting companionship, affection, laughter, or shared meals does not mean you loved your spouse any less. It means you are human----and still alive.

Loving again after loss is not a requirement, a milestone, or a measure of healing. It is simply a possibility. Whether or not you choose to open that door, what matters most is that you continue to honor your heart with honesty, patience, and compassion.

So yes, for me, Marrying Again Was Really Possible, but it came with challenges, questions, and seasons of illness. Life is truly a gift, and when we have lost someone we loved, we understand that more deeply. We all grieve and heal differently, and for some, healing may take longer than for others. Still, we can choose to be part of the life around us. Happiness, hope, and—as impossible as it may seem—loving again can be part of your future.

Take care my friends

Excerpts taken from Recipes for Healing Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time (Just Not Lasagna!)