You Want Me to Meet Whom? Dating after You Have Lost Your Spouse/ Partner

Part One

I absolutely never thought that I would start dating and remarry again. I had been with David from the age of sixteen, and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

 My life had taken on a certain routine. It had been about a year and a half since David had died. I loved my job. Hospice was in the process of building a hospice house, and I took on the job of helping with the fundraising campaign. I was very busy most of the time and I seemed to be navigating my life. But when the weekends came along, the feelings of loss and missing David became more magnified. Sundays were always the worst, except when my aunt would come by with my two nieces and we would watch movies, play games, and cook some favorite recipes. This made the day more bearable, but when they would leave and the house became quiet again, I began to realize that something was missing---laughter and sharing that laughter with someone.

Soon after David’s death I would bristle when someone would mention that maybe I should start dating, telling me I was young (46) and I shouldn’t be alone. At that time, it seemed far-fetched and it was never going to happen. Yet here I was, wondering whether this was something I could consider.

I have a wonderful friend who was single and after a while she approached the subject and encouraged me to think about the possibility of dating, not necessarily to get married, definitely not, but to have someone to share things with. I continued to think about the possibility and what it would be like. These thoughts and questions ran through my mind a lot and here’s some of what I learned when I made the decision to date:

• Am I still grieving and is it too soon?

It may be, but you will know when the time is right but be prepared for some friends and family to feel it’s too soon no matter when you decide. Grieving and going forward is a process that is unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose to never date again. Whatever you do, try not to let people tell you you’re moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you are ready for, it’s your decision.

• Is it normal to have feelings of guilt and betrayal, even thinking about this? 

Yes, this is very normal, and these feelings may continue even once you have started dating. It is part of the healing process and hopefully can be worked through by talking with a grief counselor.

• What will my friends and family think? Do I even care? 

Yes, they will probably have a lot to say about this, and I would say that in most cases it’s because they love you and want you to be happy. Discussing your feelings and your thoughts may be helpful to put their minds at ease. If not, it’s still your decision……

• If there are kids involved, in my case my two sons, how do I tell them I’d like to start dating?

Obviously if the children are very young, you may not feel the need to tell them you are thinking about this, but once you start to date, being honest with them is the best way to go. We must remember that they are grieving the loss of their parent and they must work through their feelings about someone else coming into their lives. In my case, my sons were in their early twenties, and although they had a few concerns, ultimately, they wanted me to be happy.

Making sure you are dating for the right reasons is so important. If you are dating because you think it’s going to somehow fill that big hole in your heart, it won’t. Dating can’t fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse or partner. Dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and a chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with it. A broken heart is one thing, but all the dating in the world cannot heal it.

Til Death Do Us Part

You think that’s how it will be—that you will be with that one person, raising a family, having grandchildren, growing old together, and then you’re not. Now you are a single person trying to navigate. What in the world does that mean? I was scared to death, just thinking about meeting someone new. If I wanted to do this, I had to put myself out there and be open to whatever came my way. The one thing I knew for sure was that I was completely out of my comfort zone. I was about to take that first step and felt like I was jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Maybe I’d be lucky and meet someone who would make me laugh. I missed laughter, or was it that I missed the person who had always made me laugh?

                          Tune in next week for Part Two for

                    Marrying Again? Is This Really Possible?

Take care my friends  

Excerpts taken from Recipes for Healing, Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time (Just Not Lasagna!)